[New]

So just in time for new years eve (which begins in about 2 hours here), I have a new home, a new phone, and a new phone number. I'm still in San Diego, just on the other side of town.
I decided to spend Christmas in my last place, then spend the week between holidays doing last-minute packing and change locations... One holiday in each apartment...

I think it's fitting to move into a new place two days before a new year.

I still need to organize everything, but it feels pretty cozy already. :)

Absence

Sorry for the absence... it should be remedied next week. I've been extremely busy with trying to pack up to move around Christmas... moving day is set for this Saturday, then things should slowly return to normal.

дома

One day I will return to you, my true home. Don’t get me wrong; I love it here in San Diego. The weather is perfect; the people are [for the most part] kind. I’ve gotten to see and experience many things that I wouldn’t have if I had stayed living in Virginia. But this is not home … and if I had not been to you, I may not even recognize that things could be improved or that I was missing something.

Everything about you beckons me to come back, and one day I will. Even the photos from my brief stay reveal a level of contentment, of wonder and an overwhelmed sense of beauty that reflects the breathtaking countryside. I know that I exhibit no such appearance when gazing at anything here, much less when simply going about day-to-day duties.

I’m 22. I have many years ahead. I don’t know when, but I will be back to you, probably more than once. And one of the times, I pledge that I will stay and make you what you deserve to be: my home. 

dear you

you  – you seem to be an incredible person. I love our talks. I look forward to many more.

you  – I wish we got to hang out outside the usual time. I think you could be a fantastic friend.

you – I miss you so much more than I ever realized I would. I grew very attached to you the year before I came here.

you – I know you won’t occupy the old place in my life. but I can’t lose you entirely. I feel like further down the road, we’re going to need each other again.

you – I want to fly into town just to see you. the support we give each other is unmatched, and I think we both need that right now.

you – I’ve noticed that you don’t even pretend to care about anything that happens in my life. all that matters to you is the material. when all this is sorted out I don’t even think I want to hear from you anymore. it’s never about anything good anyway.

you – I’m so thrilled for the two of you. I’ve been waiting for this for a while now. I can’t wait to see you and congratulate you in person.

you – be careful. this is going to be a longer, more difficult journey than you think. you’re filled with so much excitement and joy, but there are many struggles ahead to go along with the happiness.

you – thank you for everything this year. things have turned around beautifully. I knew they could be worked out.  you keep day to day life exciting and pleasant, and for that I thank you.

Cityscape's Sleep

Cityscape went into hiding today. He sat there as normal last night, twinkling merrily against the black sky, then this morning… nothing. A flat grey area replaced the area he normally inhabits.

During the dead hours of early morning, he called out to Mother Nature for help. His whisper drew no attention from normal people, of course, for it sounded like the soft rumble of a distant train… and who notices that anymore, in this world so filled with machinery? As all of the citizens slumbered on, Cityscape whispered his plight in the patient ears of Mother Nature.

He described the misery and melancholy he witnessed day-by-day : the greed of the businessmen, the exploitation of the middle class, the constant trampling those even less fortunate. He explained how the media ignored the suffering so no one helped those who needed it, the cost of an education was rising so the next generation would never be able to rise above, and how all of the smaller local businesses were getting pushed out of the way by larger corporations. With a small sob—nothing more to those down below than a soft gust of wind—Cityscape turned his attention to the homeless. As he described their condition to Mother Nature, the lack of charity and compassion down below overwhelmed him, and a soft rain began to fall on the streets of the city.

Mother Nature listened sympathetically. She had heard of such troubles all over the globe, and had no solution. When Cityscape was able to control his tears, he asked her to help him escape. He said he could not bear the despair any longer, and hoped to find a new smaller town to build up with better results. Mother Nature exhaled a gentle sigh, and slightly larger waves began to crash along the shoreline from the pressure of her breath. She could not help Cityscape with what he desired. His city needed him if it would ever improve its condition. She paused for a moment before replying, and the night grew utterly still.

Finally, Mother Nature answered. She offered Cityscape a temporary respite from the troubles as a chance to revitalize himself. She drew up a large grey blanket and tucked it over him, murmuring softly “Sleep deeply and sleep long. When you awake, you need to continue the work you have begun here. Improve the lives of those down below.” He nodded sleepily, feeling the weariness of the daily struggle overpowering his ability to stay awake, and lifted the blanket up over his head. All those down below would wake to a world covered in fog.

Thankful

For many people, the month of November is a chance to post daily and express to the world what they're thankful for. Every day, they list something like "family," "friends," "my new puppy," or occasionally slightly more complex things such as "the ability to feel emotion" or whatever. I never participate in these posts... I think they're dumb. Yes, it's good to reflect on what you're Thankful for, but I can only handle reading so many posts every single day of "I'm thankful for my big brother not beating me up anymore like he did when we were younger" -- or whatever.

I'm making one, single post. Only one. Most years I don't even do that many.

This year, I'm thankful for life. Last Thanksgiving I was considering ending it... I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want anyone to try to stop me. Only a few people found out after I decided against it... everything was REALLY horribly depressing and bad for me a year ago. I felt trapped, and like things weren't going to get better. You can scroll back through my posts to a year ago and see that very clearly... 

I decided against it because I decided there was no way things could get worse than they were. I was wrong, of course, they briefly did get even more horrible... but then things started to look up a few months later. Starting in February, things began to improve. 

Now, a year later, nothing even slightly resembles the darkness of autumn 2011. I'm more than 2000 miles away from all of that bleakness and all of those problems. My relationships are strong. My sense of adventure is satisfied. Everything is still changing, and I don't know yet where I'll be living next August. I no longer feel trapped in Norfolk, like I'm going to have to deal with all of the impossible bullshit holding me down forever, and all of the horrible people tormenting me every single day. I'm free, I'm exploring the world, I have strong support, and I am alive.

So that's what I'm thankful for this year.

And now, please excuse me. Sitting outside typing in the beautiful 60 degree weather has been lovely, but I'm going to go back up to my cozy apartment, hang out with a friend, and look forward to experiencing Thanksgiving with all of my new companions tomorrow. 

explanation

I found some old poems I wrote, and posted them... so that's what the last two posts are. They aren't current or anything, but I wanted to post them anyway once I found them.

the sunset

You’ll never know

what you caused

there

on the beach of reinvention.

Everything was perfect

in my life

here

so far away.

cold water

salty air

hand-in-hand

the most breathtaking sunset

vibrant colours

slowly slipped

closer and closer

to the glittering waves

a seaside picnic

unknown adventure

everything brand new

an afternoon fit for a princess

pienso

Pienso que es posible.

Pienso que… El Señor dice que hace dos años no fue el tiempo.

Primero nosotros noticiábamos aprender.

Todavía hay muchas cosas para aprender sobre nuestras vidas.

Algunos días son más difícil que otros.

Todas las personas no son buenas.

Esta vida puede estar muy mala, con dolores y mentiras y odio.

Necesitamos estar con personas buenas.

Es importante tener un/a novio/a amable y confiable y honesto/a y leal.

Con tan cosas malas en la vida, no debe preocuparse sobre su novio/a.

Es bueno salir con su mejor amigo.

Si ellos pueden divertirse, es posible ignorar el mundo.

Algunos días, nada es más importante que pretender el mundo no esta aquí.

Pienso que debemos ser juntos.

Cuando estuvo en tus brazos, la vida estaba más bonita.

Cuando nos besemos, el único cosa que era importante, era tu.