What They Never Told You: A Place to Call Home

Last night I stayed for the first time in my new apartment. The furniture is not here yet, and the boxes are not yet unpacked, but it already feels more like home than the last place ever did.

No matter how hard I strived, I could not make that room I was renting feel like a place to belong... I always felt like a stranger there.

Sometimes no matter how hard you try, the effort itself is not enough. Sometimes you can not force a place to feel like home any more than you can force a person to be your friend or a pair of clothes three sizes too small to fill comfortably.

Sometimes the chemistry is too bad, the space is too small, the energy is too dark... any number of factors can upset the balance and make it so you simply have to move on.

But the feeling of entering somewhere bright and open and welcoming makes up for the past few months. All the negativity from that dark hole-in-the-wall has been engulfed by the joy of having a place to call home.

the sunset

You’ll never know

what you caused

there

on the beach of reinvention.

Everything was perfect

in my life

here

so far away.

cold water

salty air

hand-in-hand

the most breathtaking sunset

vibrant colours

slowly slipped

closer and closer

to the glittering waves

a seaside picnic

unknown adventure

everything brand new

an afternoon fit for a princess

whirlwind

Life is such a crazy blur right now.
Wedding planning has begun. Apartment hunting has begun, and we found a place we want to move into. Some friends in San Diego threw us bachelor and bachelorette parties once we got back in town. My guy gets to start looking at orders next month to choose where he wants to be next August..Christmas is around the corner. It seems like everything is rushing up.

I'm actually really glad that I'm doing the whole housewife-thing right now (well, and working on photos) because I don't see any way that we'd be able to get ready to move by December 1 otherwise, or to have things unpacked before Christmas. haha

Split

As a heads up, I may be distracted from updating this as much as I would like to for the next little while. I'm finally motivated and making huge steps in the direction of setting up my photography business--officially.

The largest most daunting task for me is the bulk of stuff necessary to legally have it set up and running. Plus before officially launching in the professional realm and charging money, I wanted to have a strong presence set up online so that everything looks nice if anyone contacts me.

I'm not releasing any details yet, but everything is definitely falling into place beautifully. In fact it's starting to look as if it is actually the perfect timing ... in addition to all of the preparation that has been going on behind the scenes over here, I've also been arranging with some people for portfolio building shoots, and have been accidentally falling into great networking opportunities.

Now I just have to keep from getting too overwhelmed. One step at a time. Then another. Then another. I've made enormous project in the last few weeks alone, and my goal is to have everything finished (online) before the middle of September.

Any input from people with online marketing/design/web-building experience, feel free to leave tips!

Glimpses of Me (#2)

When I was younger, if I concentrated while looking at people, I would see small outlines of light around each of them. I told myself that my eyes were playing tricks on me, and that there obviously is no outline around people. I convinced myself of this. Over time I gradually trained myself to almost not notice the outline. It is still there, just much fainter than when I was five or six years old.

Recently, I read something that said that to some people—especially children—it is possible to see auras. Auras of people, of animals, etc. As with most psychic abilities, it is something believed to be strongest in children, but adults still can have the ability too.

Photo from Wikipedia

It makes me wonder. Is that what the light was that I was seeing so clearly surrounding people? Their auras?

828

Photo from WMU

agt honderd agt-en-twintig dae. Wanneer het agt honderd agt-en-twintig dae gebeur?

Bottled

Unexplainably stressed.

Someone recommend soothing things. Thanks.

DOB

I just had my first birthday away from "home." It was an adjustment, but not really in a bad way. I felt homesick for my family and friends back in Virginia, but I was able to have a wonderful and relaxing day out here. I Skyped with my family over the weekend as well, and was able to see my parents and pets back in VA.

A new camera is in the mail being shipped as a gift from my boyfriend. A Nikon D3000. Also, we went to see Rammstein in Anaheim on Thursday night--for free.

Image courtesy LunaDawnImages
Because really, who WOULDN'T want to see this?

So on my actual birthday, since I had already celebrated in advance and had a gift on the way, I chose to simply relax. I announced to everyone that starting at midnight I intended to do absolutely nothing I didn't have to for 24 hours. And I did. I played the Sims 3, read part of a book, surfed the web, watched The Fellowship of the Ring and WAY too many episodes of Beavis and Butthead, had a wonderful birthday dinner cooked by my boyfriend, and just generally had a laid-back day.

Break

I realized again the other day that this is an opportunity for something entirely new. Reinvention.
The first real chance I had at that was when I began college. All through elementary, middle, and high school I knew the same group of people and attended the same private school. Many of the people had known me since we were both young and awkward. It's difficult to break out of any box you have created for yourself in a situation like that. People occasionally did; they would come back from summer break with a makeover and new attitude--but that that was definitely the exception. Generally once you had been put into a box there, it was easier to just stay in it.
University gave me a sense of freedom. It was an entirely new location. A huge school compared to the one I had been at previously--my graduating class in high school had around 50 students-- that spread out over several acres gave me a chance at anonymity that I had never previously known. I began to thrive. It was a chance for self-exploration, as college should be, and since I was happy my grades were excellent as well.
I ended up having to take some time off of school after a year or so, and haven't gone back yet. I kept making new friends and exploring new interests, obviously, but there wasn't the same opportunity for expansion as before. The entire area had grown stale. Hampton Roads, while it has things to offer, is not a place where I wanted to spend my entire life.
Moving out here is the chance I needed to take, I think. It's giving me a chance to figure out who I want to be --who I want to be known as, what skills and traits I want to emphasize, what sort of impact I want to leave. While I had a great reputation back home and can not think of anyone who really disliked me, I still needed a fresh start somewhere new. A chance to break out.

Anchored

Last night while watching TV, my boyfriend said something that made me think...so I thought I'd share it. It's very true, but I think it applies outside of the realm of romantic relationships and into normal friendship as well:

Sometimes what people really need is to be reminded that their lover isn't going anywhere.

The pursuit

Feeling a little helpless tonight.
Negativity tried to follow me to this coast.
Just can't let it get me down.

lejano

Ha sido dos ya.
Qué vívido, qué lejano, qué doloroso.
Todavía extraño a tí. Cada día.

Brand New

I'm loving my new home. Everything is an adventure right now. It's all still so unknown and thrilling. I know as soon as a few more weeks pass and I start working somewhere, a routine will develop and things will seem relatively normal.

But still. This is what I have wanted for so long. 

I'm on my own (granted, I do know people here, obviously...but still. I'm over 2500 miles away from family and most of my friends). I'm going to be learning to rely only on myself. It's a big step. 

Honestly, I can't even begin to express how excited I am. 

Photo Credit: LunaDawnImages

Permanent Vacation

How many of you have ever gone somewhere on vacation, and thought “I never want to leave,” and wished that you could simply make a new life in this place rather than returning to home, wherever that is? Everyone, I’m sure. I’ve had that thought countless times on vacation. The escape of the day-to-day troubles and stress of life easily has that effect on people.

Different from that, however, is a deeper feeling that a place could become home. Not everyone has had that experience when exploring a new locale. A feeling such as that makes leaving far more complicated. It can be brought about by a feeling of fitting in within a place, or a deep love and respect for a culture, or by knowing enough people in a city…I’m sure there are countless other ways as well.

I digress. The point of this post is that I have apparently just unintentionally stumbled into a permanent vacation.  Details behind the cut. 

Adventure

At the end of the week I leave to visit San Diego for a few weeks. I should have plenty of wonderful new adventures to discuss by the time I get back. I may try to post a few times while I'm there to share photos or something, but I already know I will be busy almost constantly.

Just wanted to give everyone a heads up.
:)

Need

I'm putting this post under a cut. It's really meant for one person only...

mi amor

Love,
Thank you. For trying. For putting out effort. For talking and actually communicating. For giving a sign.
Things had almost spiraled too far. That conversation the first week? That needed to happen more than you can know. I know you realize we got close, and honestly it's comforting to know that scared you too.
We've made it this far. We've made it this long. Years and years are ahead. This won't be the end.
Hang in there with me.

Я тебя люблю.

Essence

I was thinking last week about how people view each other and whether that's how each person actually wants to be seen. I think everyone has an idea of who he or she is, and how they want everyone else to see them, but since people are so complex it's impossible to convey all of that to everyone you meet. The people with whom you have the closest bonds obviously know a greater part of you than an acquaintance from work or the bar. However, friendships are built on common interests and, especially if your interests are widespread, even good friends may not know all of a person.

With that in mind, I was thinking over who I see myself as and how I want to convey myself to those around me. I started wondering how well that was translating over to those I see regularly, and sent out messages to some of my friends and family asking them to describe me in 3 or 4 different words. The key is to be as specific as possible, not using vague terms such as "cool" or "nice," actually trying to capture the essence of a person in a few words.

I've gotten back quite a few responses, but want to post it here as well. If you happen to read this, either leave me a comment or email me with your descriptions.

(ETA:  The key to this is honesty rather than flattery. Allow me to stress that this is not fishing for compliments. If you recognize a personality flaw, please feel free to point it out as well. For instance, I realize that on occasion I come across as overly critical, stubborn, etc...and while that is obviously not my goal for how I would like people to see me, it does happen, especially when I'm having bad days.)

Once I have quite a few gathered up, I plan to do something with all of the responses. I haven't quite figured out exactly what yet, but I'm going to figure out how to put them all together in a way that expresses me.

Unrelated, and more personal

I couldn't include this with the other post because it is far off topic. But on a more personal level, here is what has been going on recently.